When I die, I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
--unknown
When I die, I want to be buried in Chicago, so I can still be active in politics.
--Rep. Charlie Rangel (N.Y.)
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
--Jack Handey
When I created the world-- I never imagined stucco.
--God (in Very Vicky)
A fanatic is a man that does what he thinks the Lord would do if he knew the facts of the case.
--Finley Peter Dunne
The tao that can be told
is not the eternal Tao.
The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.
--Tao Te Ching, 1 [tr. Stephen Mitchell]
The learning process is something you can incite, literally incite, like a riot. And then, just possibly, hopefully, it goes on.
--Audre Lorde
The unexamined life is not worth living. On the other hand, too much processing and you get Velveeta.
--Duncan, VR5
Movin' to Montana soon
Gonna be a dental floss tycoon
--Frank Zappa
Iko-o iko-o everybody let's go
Ukaboo ukaboo everybody ukaboo
Iko-o iko-o everybody let's go
--Naoko Yamano - Shonen Knife
Dance! if you can
Dance! like a twentieth century man
Dance! like a freak
Dance! like you needed it all week
Dance! like a chimpanzee
Dance! in 'the land of the free'
--Chrissie Hynde - The Pretenders
Violet serene like none I have seen apart from dreams that escape me. There was no girl as warm as you. How I've learned to please, to doubt myself in need, you'll never, you'll never know.
--Natalie Merchant - 10,000 Maniacs
Put in lotth of joketh, fellath. Joketh are funny.
--Leon Schlesinger's advice to his animators
Laughter is the best medicine. Next to sex, of course. And medicine.
--Vice Pope Doug
Boopsie: Yeah, but is he actually making money?
BD: He says he will be. Maybe. It's too soon to tell, really.
Boopsie: Vietnam sounds a lot like the Web.
--G.B. Trudeau, Doonesbury
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we have.
--Jack Handey
I bought the Star Trek chess set and the Civil War chess set. Now I have the South fight the Klingons.
--Dave Spensley
When the Tao is lost, there is goodness.
When goodness is lost, there is morality.
When morality is lost, there is ritual.
Ritual is the husk of true faith,
the beginning of chaos.
--Tao Te Ching, 38 [tr. Stephen Mitchell]
If the misery of our poor be caused not by the laws of nature, but by our institutions, great is our sin.
--Charles Darwin
El mundo debería reír más. Pero después de haber comido.
[The world should laugh more. But after having eaten.]
--Cantinflas
If you love Jesus, work for justice. Anybody can honk.
--bumper sticker
Put your analyst on danger money, baby.
--Zaphod Beeblebrox (Douglas Adams)
I have only so much time in life, and I'd like to BE HERE for it, thank you.
--Teller (on drugs)
It's the only town where you can watch your dog run away for three days.
--Toronto Maple Leaf coach Pat Burns, on Winnipeg
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
--Jack Handey
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, and you can sell him equipment.
--Avram Grumer
How do you tell the difference between a grizzly and a black bear? When you climb a tree, if the bear follows you it's a black bear; if the bear knocks the tree over, it's a grizzly.
--Alaskan folk wisdom, collected by Philip Greenspan
Where did that fervor and optimism go? I haven't said women are wonderful since Margaret Thatcher invaded the Falklands.
--Alison Bechdel's Mo
" "--Gromit
If you are a good economist, a virtuous economist, you are reborn as a physicist. But if you are an evil, wicked economist, you are reborn as a sociologist.
--An Indian economist, quoted by Paul Krugman
