Genres exist so morons don't forget what they like to read.
--David Miller
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
Why should I paint dead fish, onions, and beer glasses? Girls are so much prettier.
While the inferior man seeks to put the blame on other persons,
bewailing his fate, the superior man seeks the error within himself.
I don't think USENET is an anarchy. It isn't that well organized.
Every program attempts to expand until it can read mail. Those programs which cannot expand are replaced by ones which can.
Hostility towards Microsoft is not difficult to find on the Net, and it
blends two strains: resentful people who feel Microsoft is too powerful, and
disdainful people who think it's tacky. This is all strongly reminiscent of
the heyday of Communism and Socialism, when the bourgeoisie were hated from both ends: by the proles, because they had all the money, and by the
intelligentsia, because of their tendency to spend it on lawn ornaments.
--unknown; attributions welcome
--Marie Laurencin
--The I Ching
--Simon von Dongen
--the Law of Software Envelopment, cited by Jamie Zawinski
--Neal Stephenson
I do feel... that I now have a better understanding of what the key
problems are than I did ten years ago. At times I even persuade myself
that I can glimpse some of the answers, but this is a common delusion experienced by anyone who dwells too long on a single problem.
--Francis Crick
I grew up assuming women were our equals. I can't imagine thinking
I'm better suited to hack C code because of my penis-- frankly, I
rarely use my penis at all while I'm working.
--Dave Eisen
Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place.
Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are,
by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Here's the secret that every successful software company is based on:
You can domesticate programmers the way
beekeepers tame bees. You can't exactly communicate with them, but you
can get them to swarm in one place and
when they're not looking, you can carry off the honey.
--Brian Kernighan
--Orson Scott Card
Use of paper has continued to soar. It is as though paper is
taking its revenge on the futurists-- not that any futurist
has ever lost business because of a wrong prediction.
Consciousness is knowing what you thought last; free-will is not knowing
what you'll think next.
--Edward Tenner
--Justin B. Rye
I live by two rules:
Americans don't want leadership. They want alchemy.
1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small stuff.
--Agent Orange
--Michael Kinsley
I've had it with political jokes. They keep on getting elected.
--Will Rogers
Supporter: You'll have the support of all thinking Americans, Mr. Stevenson!
Adlai: Not enough. I'm going to need a majority.
Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take
his pile away from him the way he got it from others.
Thank God we got the convicts and they got the Puritans.
--Evan Esar
--An Australian, commenting on Monicagate
A man who likes flea markets and isn't gay? I knew I was lucky.
--Lynda Barry (of her husband)
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water,
so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Surrealism is my cup of fur.
--A 6th grade science student
--Namgubed the Merry Elf
I don't believe in trouble
I don't believe in pain
I don't believe there's nothing left but running here again
I don't believe in promise
I don't believe in chance
I don't believe you can't resist the things that make no sense
--Tom Tykwer, J. Klimek, R. Heil (theme song of Run Lola Run)
Sexton: I think the whole world's gone mad.
In romance, as in life, you only learn when you're losing. (When you're
winning, you just sit there and grin like an idiot.)
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Death: Uh-uh. It's always like this. You probably just don't get out enough.
--Neil Gaiman
--Garrison Keillor
--Martin Mull
The last person who really, really wanted to listen to a twenty-minute guitar solo finally flatlined in late 1978.
--The Ferrett
Istanbul is Constantinople
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night
Every gal in Constantinople lives in Istanbul not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople, she'll be waiting in Istanbul
Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
(People just liked it better that way)
So take me back to Constantinople
No you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone, Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks.
--James Kennedy and Nat Simon
--Dorothy Parker
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.
--Garrison Keillor
The Moulin Rouge is, like the West Village and the Nasdaq, one of those
places that people who don't like to take risks come to for the thrill of
being on the spot where risks once were taken.
There is no rule of law until the Mafia needs lawyers.
I don't want to be living in the 21st century... I just know everyone is going to be walking around in silver jumpsuits! Where the hell am I going to find a nice hat in a world like that?
--Michael Lewis
--Stephen Holmes
--Seth
Just imagine we are meeting the aliens for the first time. Most
people would just shoot them to see how many points they are worth.
--Simon Cozens
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is
tea, please bring me some coffee.
-- Abraham Lincoln
She spoke five different languages and knew how to say, "Buy me this," in all of them.
-- Lea DeLaria
However hard the Enterprise tries to boldly go where no man has gone before, it always finds people already there.
The evil in question reappears in the world after you vanquish it, often within mere minutes, and the world as a whole never changes because of anything you do. So in that way it's less like being a fantasy adventurer and more like being a social worker.
Note: All fantasy worlds are roughly square, i.e. the shape of the double page of a paperback.
--Justin B. Rye
--Lore Sjöberg, on Everquest
--Not the Net
(sniff sniff) -- If we get out of this alive, Max, what do you say we go out for some ribs?
--Steve Purcell's Sam, as a villain succumbs to spontaneous human combustion
Oooh, neat! Santa got caught in this bear trap I set! Wow! He gnawed his own foot off to escape! ...Hey, just kidding, Sam.
--Max
Tips for Embezzlers:
"What's wrong?" I yelled. "We can't stop here. This is bat country!"
"Vodka martini," I said. "Incredibly dry. Powdered, if you've got it."
If your boss buys you lunch, don't thank him. After all, it's ultimately coming out of your pocket.
--tieboy
--Hunter S. Thompson
--Hugh Laurie
The first time I had sex with a girl I could not believe my luck. It was as if I were living some Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fantasy of over-the-top abundance that vastly exceeded any fantasy I might have allowed myself. I still feel that way when I get to kiss a girl and do exactly as I please.
--Deb Schwartz
If you watch lizards and lions copulating, then you will see that in 200 million years the male has not had a single new idea.
She thinks I'm the one to blame but that's not right
--Robert Ardrey, The Hunting Hypothesis (1976)
My shoes are in control, they planned it
For years my shoes have been my friends
I've taken them around the world and to its ends
Now they're taking me
--The Bobs
Uh oh, sounds like the machine is demonically possessed again. Better than no messages at all, though!
-- Max (by Steve Purcell)
Sam: Something bizarre is happening at the carnival.
Max: I thought that was the whole point.
--Sam & Max Hit the Road