Many thanks to Peter, he of the elided last name, who kindly translated this page!
The author and translator disclaim all responsibility for the results of use of these expressions under field conditions. Use in a well-ventilated area. Do not expose to open flame. No user-serviceable parts inside. If swallowed, do not induce vomiting.
It's better in the States.
Zài Měiguó gèng hǎo.
在美国更好。
How much is that in real money?
Nàge yòng zhēnde huòbì duōshao qián?
那个用真的货币多少钱？
Don't you speak English?
Nǐ zěnme bù dǒng yīngyǔ?
你怎么不懂英语？
I'm coming you silly runt!
Wǒ láile, nǐ zhègè xiǎo bèndàn.
我来了，你这个小笨蛋。
How do I get Letterman?
Wǒ zěnme shōu Lètèmàn?
我怎么收勒特曼？
If you go to the USA, you'll find that a dime is a lot of money.
Rúguǒ nǐ qù Měiguó, nǐ hùi fāxiàn yī máo qián yě bùshǎo.
如果你去美国，你会发现一毛钱也不少。
There's a corpse on the bed. Please change the sheets.
Chuángshàng yǒu shītǐ, qǐng huàn yíxià chuángdān.
床上有尸体，请换一下床单。
The bellboy won't score me any coke.
Fúwùyuán bù kěn bāng wǒ nòng diǎr kěkǎyīn.
服务员不肯帮我弄点儿可卡因。
My God, I didn't mean microscopic!
Wǒ de tiān a, wǒ měi shuō nàme xiǎo！
我的天啊，我没说那么小！
Has your nose always been that way?
Nǐ de bízi yìzhí shì zhèyàng ma?
你的鼻子一直是这样吗？
I understand your language perfectly.
Wǒ shuō pǔtōnghuà xiàng hēzuì de gāolí bàngzi.
我说普通话象喝醉的高丽棒子。
I may be drunk, but tomorrow morning I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly.
Wǒ suīrán hē zuìle, kěshì míngtiān wǒ huì qīngxǐ, ér nǐ hái shì zhème chǒu.
我虽然喝醉了，可是明天我会清醒而你是还这么丑。
So you've been to _____? You must know my Aunt Meredith.
Nǐ qùguo _______? nǐ kěndìng rènshi wǒde yímā Meredith.
你去过÷÷÷？你肯定认识我的姨妈Meredith.
Stupid uncultured lout.
Méi wénhuà de xiǎo liúmáng.
没文化的小流氓。
Did your face get that way in the war?
Nǐ de liǎn shì zài zhànzhēng biànchéng zhèyàng de ma?
你的脸是在战争变成这样的吗?
Don't "imperialist pig" me, my good man.
Nǐ xiǎozi, bié gēn wǒ lái nà "dìguózhǔyì" de gǒu pì!
你小子，别跟我来那"帝国主义"的狗屁！
I would very much like to meet you again when you are sober.
Wǒ hěn xiǎng zàicì gēn nì jiànmiàn, dāng nǐ méi hē zuì de shíhou.
我很想再次跟你见面，当你没喝醉的时候。
No, I've always enjoyed simple-minded ethnic humor.
Méiyǒu, wǒ yìzhí xǐhuān dījí de zhǒngzúzhǔyì yōumò.
没有，我一直喜欢低级的种族主义幽默。
That's not all! I have two more photo albums!
Hái yǒu ne! Wǒ hái yǒu liǎng tào xiàngbù!
还有呢！我还有两套相簿！
Did you hear the one about the Korean guy who called the travel agency and asked, "I want to know how long it takes to fly from here to Seoul," and the receptionist says, "Just a minute", and the Korean guy says, "Thanks, goodbye."?
Nǐ tīngshuōguò zhège xiàohuà ma? Yīgè Hánguórén wèn lǔxíngshè dào Hànchéng zuò fēijī xūyào duōcháng shíjiān, ránhòu qiántái xiǎojiě shuō "Yī fēn zhōng, xiānsheng", Hánguórén jiù shuō "Xièxiè, bāibāi".
你听说过这个笑话吗？一个韩国人问旅行社到汉城坐飞机需要多长时间，然后前台小姐说"一分钟, 先生"，韩国人就说"谢谢，拜掰"。
Do you have highways in your country?
Nǐmen guójiā yǒu gāosùgōnglù ma?
你们国家有高速公路吗？
Girls with big mazongas usually can't rhumba so well.
Dà mīmi de nǚháir, yībān tiào rhumba tiàode bù hǎo.
大咪咪的女孩儿，一般跳 rhumba 跳得不好。
You're very pretty for a foreigner.
Zuò wéi wàiguórén lái shuō, nǐ hěn piàoliàng.
做为外国人来说，你很漂亮。
Kiss me, you fool.
Shǎguā, wěn wǒ!
傻瓜，吻我。
All right, all right, let's meet your parents.
Hǎole hǎole, wǒmen qù jiàn nǐde fùmǔ ba.
好了好了，我们去见你的父母吧。
Your mascara is peeling.
Nǐde huàzhuāng diào le.
你的化妆掉了。
That has got to be silicone.
Nà liǎng gè kěndìng shì guījiāo.
那两个肯定是硅胶。
I've never thought that 'impotent' means you can't have a good time.
Wǒ cónglái méiyǒu rènwéi, "yǎngwěi" jiù yìwèizhe bù néng guò bǎ yǐn.
我从来没有认为,"阳痿"就意味着不能过把隐。
I admire you above all for your purity of spirit and your appreciation of the arts.
Gēn wǒ huí wǒde lǔguǎn wán ba.
跟我回我的旅馆玩吧.
Is this the way to Tiananmen Square?
Zhèbiān shìbúshì Tiānānmén Guǎngchǎng?
这边是不是天安门广场?
Where can I find the dissidents?
Kàngyì fènzǐ zài nǎr?
抗议分子在哪儿?
Is that Notre Dame or the Louvre?
Nà shì Shèng Mǔ jiàotáng háishì lùwéiěr bówùguǎn?
那是圣母教堂还是鲁委尔博物馆？
Back home we'd call this a village.
Zài wǒmen nàr, wǒmen guǎn zhè zhǒng dìfāng jiàozuò cūnzi.
在我们那儿, 我们管这种地方叫做村子。
Your country has such lovely dirt.
Nǐmen guójiā de tǔ zhēn měi a!
你们国家的土真美啊!
I don't suppose there's anything but temples here.
Zhèlǐ, chúle miào yǐwài, bū hùi yǒu bié de dōngxi ma?
这里, 除了庙以外, 不会有别的东西吗?
I bet those machine guns are fake.
Wǒ gǎn dǎdǔ, nà xiē jīguānqiāng shì jiǎ de.
我敢打赌，那些机关枪是假的。
Are all your jails this filthy?
Nǐmen de jiānyù dōu zhème zāng ma?
你们的监狱都这么脏吗?
Yessir, you folks certainly have made a mess of this country.
Méi cuò, nǐmen zhēnde bǎ zhège guójiā nòngde yītuán zāo le.
没错，你们真的把这个国家弄得一团糟了。
You wouldn't have these ghettoes if your people were willing to work.
Rúguǒ nǐmen de rénmín yuànyì gànhuór, nǐmen jiù bùhuì yǒu zhèxiē pòlàn de dìfāng.
如果你们的人民愿意干活儿，你们就不会有这些破烂的地方。
Could I see some merchandise that the rats haven't found?
Néngbùnéng kàn yīxiē méiyǒu bèi lǎoshǔ yǎo de dōngxi?
能不能看一些没有被老鼠咬的东西?
It's nothing compared to our shopping centers.
Zhè gēnběn bù néng gēn wǒmen de shāngchǎng bǐ.
这根本不能跟我们的商场比。
Slow down, you cretin!
Nǐ shǎ bī, màn yī diǎr!
你傻X, 慢一点儿!
My wife fell overboard about ten miles back.
Wǒ de lǎopó diào xià lái le, dàgài shí gōnglǐ yǐ qián.
我的老婆掉下来了，大概十公里以前。
Make sure my seat isn't next to any Koreans.
Wǒ búyào gēn Gāolí bàngzi zuò zài yìqǐ!
我不要跟高丽棒子坐在一起！
Is this tin can insured?
Zhè gè pò chē yǒu bǎoxiǎn ma?
这个破车有保险吗？
Where can I rent a camel?
Wǒ zài nǎr kěyǐ zū yī tóu luòtuo?
我在哪儿可以租一头骆驼？
Officer, this is an outrage!
Jǐguān, zhè tài guò fèn le.
警官，这太过分了。
How about a little contribution to the Policeman's Ball?
Duōshǎo qián?
多少钱?
I'm a personal friend to the ambassador.
Wǒ shì zhùhuá dàshǐ de péngyou.
我是驻华大使的朋友。
Oh sure, you're going to shoot me, right?
Ò, nǐ yào dǎsǐ wǒ, duì ma?!
哦，你要打死我，对吗？！
Down the street. Around the block. Past the river.
Wàng huí zǒu. Chuān guò hútong kǒu. Xiǎo xīn yī diǎr.
往回走。穿过胡同口。小心一点儿。
Across the bridge. Two blocks down. Go that way.
Guò mǎlù, zuò yāoyāolíng. Wàng dōng zǒu.
过马路，做一一零。往东走。
Where is the Cathedral?
Wǒ zài nǎr kěyǐ zhǎodào xiǎojiě ànmó?
请问，在哪儿可以找到小姐按摩？
I know I'm naked, could you just tell me how to get back to the hotel?
Wǒ zhīdào wǒ yī sī bù guà, nǐ jiù gàosu wǒ huí fàndiàn zěnme zǒu, hǎo ma?
我知道我一丝不挂，你就告诉我回饭店怎么走，好吗？
I must compliment you on your understanding of our language.
Tā mā de, nǐ shénme yě méi dǒng, duì ma?
他妈的，你什么也没懂，对吗？
This is the third time I've told you, so listen up this time.
Wǒ shuō guò sān cì le, zhè cì zhù yì yī diǎr.
我说过三次了，这次注意点儿。
Two beers please. --Two beers for me too.
Lái liǎng píng píjiǔ. --wǒ yě lái liǎng píng píjiǔ.
来两瓶啤酒。--我也来两瓶啤酒。
I'm sorry, we don't serve tourists here.
Duì bù qǐ, wǒmen zhèli bù jiēdài lǔyóuzhě.
对不起, 我们这里不接待旅游者。
Could I have some CLEAN water?
Néng lái yī diǎn GāNJÌNG de shuǐ ma?
能来一点干净的水吗?
Can I have fries with that?
Zài jiāshàng yī bāo shǔtiáo.
再加上一包薯条。
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Fúwùyuán, wǒ de tāng lǐ yǒu cāngyíng.
服务员，我的汤里有苍蝇。
You call this beer?
Zhè nǐmen jiào píjiǔ ma?
这你们叫啤酒吗?
Stop laughing and bring me the bill.
Bié xiào le, gěi wǒ mǎi dān.
别笑了，给我买单。
I know I ate it, but I didn't order it.
Wǒ zhīdao wǒ chī le tā, dàn shì wǒ méi yào.
我知道我吃了它，但是我没要。
Well you see, we thought at the time that a limited engagement in Vietnam was necessary to prevent the rise of Soviet communism.
Wǒmen gǎo cuò le.
我们搞错了。
I just don't know what Charles saw in that horse-faced girl.
Wǒ jiù bù zhīdao Cháěrsi duì nàge chǒu xiǎo yā xīhán shénme.
我就不知道查尔斯对那个丑小鸭希罕什么。
Have you ever considered that WE might be insulted because YOU haven't learned English?
Nǐ yǒuméiyǒu kǎolù guo, yīnwèi nǐmen méiyou xuéxí Yīngyǔ, wǒmen yě kěnéng huì juéde bù gāoxìng?
你有没有考虑过，因为你们没有学习英语，我们也可能会觉得不高兴？
If I died tonight I'd be saved but you would burn in hell.
Rúguǒ jīntiān wǎnshàng sǐle, wǒ huì shàng tiāntáng ér nǐ zài dìyù shāozhe ne.
如果今天晚上死了，我会上天堂而你在地域烧着呢。
Has there been any real intellectual life in your country since Lu Xun?
Zìcóng Lǔ Xùn yǐlái, nǐmen guójiā chūguo zhēnde zhīshífènzi ma?
自从鲁迅以来，你们国家出过真的知识分子吗？
I don't normally read this newsgroup, so please email me.
Wǒ hěnshǎo kàn zhège xīnwénzǔ, qǐng yòng email fāngshì yǔ wǒ liánxì.
我很少看这个新闻组，请用 email 方式与我联系。
Do you want to MAKE MONEY FAST?????
Nǐ xiǎng ZHUÀN QIÁN MA?????
你想赚钱吗?????
Anyone can see that these ___ are just subhumans who can't find their own ass with a roadmap.
Shéi dōu zhīdao, zhè xiē ____ zhǐ shì báichī, gěi tāmen dìtú yě zhǎobudào zìjǐ de pìgǔ.
谁都知道，这些___只是白痴，给他们地图也找不到自己的屁股。
You're wasting bandwidth.
Nǐ làngfèile wǎngluò zīyuán.
你浪费了网络资源。
If you got flamed, it's because you deserved it.
Rúguǒ nǐ ái shāole, nà shì nǐ huógāi.
如果你挨烧了，那是你活该。
Die, rat bastard.
Nǐ qù sǐ ba, wángbādàn.
你去死吧，王八蛋。
We kicked your ass in World War II.
Zìcóng Érzhàn yǐlái, wǒmen guóshì rìjiàn shuāituì, ér wǒ zìjǐ jiù shì yī gè lìzi.
自从二战以来，我们国势日见衰退，而我自己就是一个例子。
Learn to read, monkey boy.
Shò hóu xiǎozǐ, qù xuéxí rènshi zì!
瘦猴小子，去学习认识字！
Qool, dude!
Zhēn kù!
真酷!
Can we declare this thread officially dead?
Néng bǎ zhège yǔsī zhèngshì xuānbù sǐwáng ma?
能把这个语丝正式宣布死亡吗?
I don't know if this is a troll or you're just stupid.
Wǒ bù zhīdào shì zài diàoyú háishì zhǐ shì báichī.
我不知道你是在钓鱼还是只是白痴。
Website under construction. Soon to be updated!!!
Cǐ wǎngzhàn xiūjiàn zhōng, jíjiāng gēngxīn!!!
此网站修建中，即将更新!!!