The Zompist Interview: Not My Desk! Here at zompist.com, we like to do interviews. Not that we ever get the chance, except for the time we cornered Chris Livingston, the near-sociopathic monsignor of mirth behind Not My Desk, with these alarming results.
Chris

Chris Livingston: Hi, Kent! Boy it's great to be here. Yes, I re-write everything myself... AFTER I STEAL IT!!! Oops. Shoulda mumbled that part.

MR: You know, if you're as much as an utter klutz as you depict yourself, why does anyone ever hire you?

CL: Well, I generally don't advertise my klutziness, and there's only two or three references to it on my resume. And, although I am a klutz, I should point out I've never knocked over a rack of comic books, unlike some people who happen to be interviewing me at the moment.

MR: They weren't good comic books. I think I speak for all of our readers when I ask... that lady with the facial exercises... in any of her pictures, can you see her nipples?

CL: You can only see maybe 5 nipples or so.

MR: Heh, I guess we have something to look forward to! Or downward to. Chris, what's your best score on Minesweeper so far?

CL: You don't find it disturbing that she has five or more nipples? Weird. Anyway, I've cleared the little Minesweeper board on many occasions, winning the coveted 'happy face', but I choke on the medium and big levels. Performance anxiety.

MR: I think we can say that you've shown us all that "temp", far from being a word with no particular associations at all, except for the general horror at ever being or being near one, is actually nothing of the sort! Can we look forward to more exciting "humor material" from you?

CL: Well, you can. I wouldn't advise it though. You'd just be setting yourself up for some major disappointment.

MR: Chris, I understand that Dave Barry has called you a "wizened little pissant". Do you have any response to that?

CL: All I'll say is, it must be nice to just go get a new wife and new kid when you get tired of the old ones.

MR: Yeah, what was up with that? They even made a TV show of his old wife and kids!

CL: Well, hell, I'd do anything for new material, too. I'm thinking about getting married just to have some new embarrassing event to write about.

MR: I think a lot of webmasters would like to know, how do you put out, or "output", such a quantity of material, much of it readable? Would it be fair to say that you have no life?

CL: I do have a life, but I have condensed it somewhat. I make my friends all gather in a room, and just dash in and out real quick, and as far as dating goes, I... okay, I have no life.

Hey... can I use "much of it readable" as a blurb?

MR: I'll check with our lawyer, Clint. In the meantime you can quote me as saying "I'll check with our lawyer."

CL: A guy who knows all the D&D rules isn't really a lawyer.

MR: Worse, in a way. I bet having a popular, successful website full of "temporary humor" gets you a lot of action with the webladies!

CL: I'm unaware of any 'action' from any 'webladies' at this time, but they are welcome to forward me pictures of their breasts at 'breasts@notmydesk.com'.

MR: Chris, I understand that Jay Stile, of stileproject, is suing you for $100,000 for appearing in his top 100 list and not having any porn to speak of. Do you have any comment on this?

CL: My only comments are "I rule for even surviving on that list" and "He's welcome to the -$328 in my checking account." And "I'm a little hungry."

MR: Emphasis on the "little"! Ha ha!

CL: I'm not sure what you mean by that. And frankly, it strikes me as a little unprofessional.

MR: Sorry, Chris, that was insensitive, but it is fascinating to see such a fine website created by someone only 4'2" tall. Do you plan to create any humor material on the subject of "shortness"?

CL: Well, since I recently wrote an entire 800-word article about having taffy in my mouth when the phone rang, I imagine I will have no problem creating material out of being short. Yet the page will be wet with my tears.

MR: I'm glad to hear that you won't be running short of material!

CL: Yes. Short. I get it. We all get it.

MR: Chris, it must be very exciting to be at the pinnacle of the world of "web temp humor". Now that the web is no longer taken seriously by any cool person, do you have any plans to diversify into other media?

CL: I have plans to put some of my material on the DIVX format, those DVD's that erase themselves after three days. I hear those are big. Also, a radio show, maybe one of those web broadcasts about five people listen to. And I may also appear on Pogs.

MR: I understand that you've been in discussions with Andrew Lloyd Weber about a musical version, as well?

CL: No, that's stupid. What are you talking about?

MR (checking notes): No, it's written down here. Andrew Lloyd Weber. Esteemed British director and grill inventor hopes Temping will be as big a hit as Starlight Express.

CL: Dude's on the pipe.

MR: Are there any other humor product providers you'd like to work with, Chris? Perhaps Mike Meyers? I believe he's quite short as well.

CL: He's Canadian, too, and I'm not into that scene. I would like to collaborate with Paul Williams one day, however. And by "collaborate with", I mean, "punch in the sternum."

MR: The National Association of Temps recently said, from the temporary headquarters of the provisional president, absolutely nothing about notmydesk. Were you disturbed by that disappointing omission?

CL: Yes, although the president mentioned me later in the restroom, while I pressed the barrel of nickel-plated pistol into his temple. I don't think the reporters were there for that, though. No, I'm just kidding! Ha ha! The reporters were there.

MR: Well, our producer is making those little hand gestures that mean 'too damn much already'! So, one last question, Chris.

CL: That's not what that gesture means at all.

MR: What do your bosses do when they catch you playing Solitaire?

CL: They point out that there's a Windows version, and I don't need to bring actual playing cards to work with me.

MR: When I said one last question, I was actually referring to this one. Why 'temping', Chris? You can't hold down a permanent job?

CL: Are you saying I'm short? You can just come out and say it.

MR: I already did.

CL: Actually, Kent, I find temping gives me freedom and flexibility I can't find elsewhere. And nothing matters more than that. Although, I was kind of hoping this interview would be catered, because I haven't eaten in a week.

MR: I'll see what we can do. Well, thank you, Chris, of notmydesk.com! We certainly wish you the best of success on your "web of humor temping". And I sure hope that rash clears up!

And now, back to Trent, or perhaps Brent, for our daily porn report.

CL: Now that you mention it... having no benefits has taught me a lot about medicine, as I am forced to diagnose and treat my own ailments, and as you mentioned, rashes. Highly contagious rashes. *cough*

MR: Ok, ok, we'll feed you. Jesus.

CL: Thank you. It was fun to be here! Although I'm not sure why I needed to be naked. Or covered in stinging bees.

MR: Heh heh! Little misunderstanding... you were supposed to be in "stunning greys".

CL: Wow, that's bad. Even for you, that's bad.

MR: We'll clean it up in post-production.

CL: I suppose being tall gets you a lot of leeway.

MR: And babes.

CL: Yes. Babes.

MR: Say, let's go back to your place to play video games, eat junk food, and make fun of stupid movies!

CL: Fag.

MR: I rented Highlander!

CL: Oh, all right.