Un Chien Spinndalu

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"Hey, Luis, baby, we love the script. But we'd sell a lot more popcorn if you'd just make a few little changes."

This all started on #spinnwebe, (back in June 1999) when we were talking about movies to mock. MisterQ asked what movie we've all seen a bazillion times, and that old DFC standby Un Chien Andalou came up. We got to talking about what Hollywood would do to remake the movie today; and... well, the ideas kept on coming, well past the tolerance level of any normal human being. You have been warned. (You might also avoid this if you're offended by sick humor.)

Thanks to Wabewalkr for the log. I’ve removed some greetings, meta-comments, repetition, and spelling corrections, and de-lagged a few jokes... those who prefer greater authenticity should really get a life.

[ Horselover Fat's Page o' SpinnStuff ]

MisterQ: Heh, I was on IMDB and was looking at the plot summarry for Un chien andalou
Wabewalkr: There's a plot?

zompist: "European surrealists play with a camera."

Mr_Ben: "Foreign language title confounds ignorant Americans."

zompist: what's it say?

MisterQ: When writing the script, Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dali deliberately rejected anything that made rational sense, so a plot summary is something of a futile exercise. Still, here goes...
MisterQ: Un Chien Andalou consists of seventeen minutes of bizarre and surreal images which may or may not mean anything.
MisterQ: A woman's eye is slit open, a man pokes at a severed hand in the street with his cane, a man drags two grand pianos containing dead and rotting donkeys and live priests, a man's hand has a hole in the palm from which ants emerge.
MisterQ: A shot of different striped objects is repeatedly used to connect scenes.

TheEnigma: Um.
TheEnigma: Gotta rent that one!

MisterQ: It's a classic

Mr_Ben: Find it next to the Jennifer Love Hewitt wall at Blockbuster, Enig.

TheEnigma: She has a wall?

    sol-D has a wall
    Mr_Ben has The Wall by Pink Floyd.
    sol-D heard someone talk about The Wall once
zompist: well, it's short. hollywood would drag it out to 120 minutes.

Mr_Ben: And actually add a half-baked plot.

MisterQ: And put in at least one of the Friends cast

Mr_Ben: And one kid from any WB youth drama.

sol-D: and some gross-out humor

Mr_Ben: And Jim Varney for good measure!

MisterQ: and a fart joke

TheEnigma: Some animated feces tossing

Mr_Ben: With a bitchin' soundtrack featuring 15 top alternative bands who won't be around in six months!

sol-D: and a scene with someone masturbating with a pie

Mr_Ben: And one where someone's getting their tongue pierced.

MisterQ: now you're getting weird!

Mr_Ben: Should Kevin Smith write it?

zompist: "hey, luis, baby, we love the script. just love it. but we'd sell a lot more popcorn if we could just have, you know, a happy ending."

Wabewalkr: Joe Esterhaus.

Mr_Ben: I'M getting weird?

sol-D: it has to be written by adam sandler or mike myers...

MisterQ: And computer animated ants

TheEnigma: Set in New Jersey

Mr_Ben: And a cameo by Abe Vigoda!

TheEnigma: But without all the guns and smack and death and whores

MisterQ: In a yuppie like coffee shop

sol-D: And one female character who goes through the whole thing topless

TheEnigma: Then there are the mimes

Mr_Ben: One token black character.

sol-D: i went down down down in the forbidden zone...

MisterQ: And a cop with a dog partner, a chimp partner, and a donkey partner

zompist: and jar jar binks!

TheEnigma: And the hilarious homosexual

Mr_Ben: Some gratuitious lesbian love scenes involving Neve Campbell and Denise Richards too.

TheEnigma: With a glass dildo

Mr_Ben: And a Family Circus joke to boot!

TheEnigma: Purchased off of eBay

Da_Raven: This is definitely going up on the quotes page tonight....

MisterQ: And some computer generated explosions for no reason

zompist: homosexuals who are amusing but don't threaten the audience by having any sex!

TheEnigma: Yeah, a wacky homosexual character who doesn't even actually kiss another male.
TheEnigma: What movie is complete without a glass dildo?

sol-D: set it in a cannibal deli!

Mr_Ben: And some whipped cream.
Mr_Ben: With a chainsaw and a glass eye.

zompist: a car chase! two car chases!

TheEnigma: Two and a half car chases!
TheEnigma: KITTENS!
TheEnigma: ON FIRE!

MisterQ: hehe

zompist: and the bold, brave men who save them!
Mr_Ben: A character whose sole purpose is to STRUT around like he/she owns the place!
Mr_Ben: With a Jerry Springer cameo!

MisterQ: And a loner whith a heart of gold

zompist: many, many jokes about penises!

MisterQ: played by Whoopi Goldberg!

sol-D: and a hooker with a heart of pure evil

Mr_Ben: And some rednecks who assault city slickers.

zompist: retribution in the dark of night!

MisterQ: And banjo music

zompist: black leather catsuits!

Mr_Ben: And BATMAN!

TheEnigma: A stoner named Ben who finally finds his niche in the group of jocks and cheerleaders.

sol-D: Zipper masks!

TheEnigma: The Muppets.

MisterQ: And a perverted pawn shop

zompist: martial arts sequences with wacky, crazy things used as weapons!

MisterQ: And Midgets!
MisterQ: On Fire!

TheEnigma: Midgets on fire....with KITTENS ON FIRE!

zompist: in bed!

Mr_Ben: And Florence Henderson!! Just BECAUSE!!

sol-D: with glass dild..err...

Wabewalkr: Bikini-clad female ninjas with machine-guns

MisterQ: With Jackie Chan!
MisterQ: Who are also Nazis!

Mr_Ben: Goldfish! Smashed with sledge hammers and fed to the kittens who will then be set on fire!

Wabewalkr: A gratuitous cameo by the director.

zompist: a heartwarming song sung by animated animals.

sol-D: WHORES! with guns and SANDWICHES

Mr_Ben: Some animations by Terry Gilliam too!

TheEnigma: Whores with hearts of gold and no venereal diseases
TheEnigma: And a parrot
TheEnigma: That isn't dead


TheEnigma: It's PINING!

MisterQ: And stop motion animation of Medusa

Mr_Ben: And some bitchin' G.I. Joe action figures on display1

MisterQ: On fire!

Mr_Ben: And getting shot up with a NAILGUN!

LadyJ: only set the cobra members on fire

zompist: marlon brando's last role!

MisterQ: Marlon Brando's last Roll!

TheEnigma: Sharks
TheEnigma: Lots of sharks


Wabewalkr: And gratuitous product placements!

TheEnigma: Eating people
TheEnigma: Camilla Parker-Bowles

Mr_Ben: BIL KEANE in a role you never expected!

MisterQ: Marlon Brando eating people!


zompist: giant insect villains that stomp on the white house!

Wabewalkr: Product placements of companies that all go belly-up!

Mr_Ben: Marlon Brando eating kittens on fire.

    LadyJ is away: laundry

zompist: LadyJ doing laundry!

sol-D: YEAH!

Mr_Ben: A soundtrack featuring Cheap Trick, Blue Oyster Cult, Van Halen and more!

MisterQ: And a family playing a peaceful game of Monopoly.
MisterQ: Nekked!

Mr_Ben: That ends when the boy pulls out a gun and shoots the baby!


sol-D: ON FIRE

zompist: little kids making clever, precocious comments.

Mr_Ben: Then getting raped.

Wabewalkr: "Dad! You crossed my line of death!"

    *** ZaNNaLee has joined channel #spinnwebe

sol-D: HELLO

zompist: a baby! a really BIG baby!

ZaNNaLee: hi

Wabewalkr: Adorable anthromorphic space aliens!
Wabewalkr: Midgets!

Mr_Ben: A baby about fifty feet tall! ON FIRE!

MisterQ: And computer inserts of famous people from history like JFK and Tom Hanks


Mr_Ben: Larry King!

MisterQ: On Fire!


zompist: bill murray making sarcastic comments.

Mr_Ben: A burning building!

MisterQ: In Bed!

zompist: michael jordan!

    *** ZaNNaLee has left channel #spinnwebe

zompist: a cameo by zannalee!

Mr_Ben: Bill Murray reprising the role of Ken Bowden, storefront lawyer!

sol-D: haha

MisterQ: The Teletubbies french kissing!

Wabewalkr: The Civil War South.... (c'mon Q!)

sol-D: hehe
sol-D: with glass di..errr.

Mr_Ben: A war between Canada and Tanzania!
Mr_Ben: Millions uninterested!

TheEnigma: Lead pipes.
TheEnigma: Named Bobby.

Wabewalkr: President Quayle!

sol-D: A Gay Right Parade

Mr_Ben: And a planet named Seth!

TheEnigma: A sentient piece of lint.

zompist: a soundtrack with a surprise unreleased single by elvis!

Mr_Ben: A soundtrack with a full Beatles reunion!

MisterQ: President Quayle in a Time Machine fighting Morlochs!


zompist: jeez, this thing is going to be about 4 hours long.

MisterQ: And will cost 2 billion dollars

Mr_Ben: We'll make dozens of sequels.

Wabewalkr: An Intermission!

Mr_Ben: An intermission on fire!

sol-D: KIRK COBAIN CAMEO...dug up for the first time...

zompist: i think it'll sell a lot of popcorn.

sol-D: and matches

Wabewalkr: If it has a happy ending!

Mr_Ben: Saffron and Björk in a barbed wire catfight!

MisterQ: An evil army of undead skeletons!

Wabewalkr: A disembodied hand running amok!

Mr_Ben: And Greg Galcik as the man who saves the world!

zompist: and let's add one more car chase.

MisterQ: And Hitler Breakdancing!

Wabewalkr: A killer in a hockey mask!


sol-D: hmm..is the car blue?

zompist: hamsters! hamsters and lemmings!

Mr_Ben: Superman strutting across Metropolis!

MisterQ: With a strapon

sol-D: like he owns the place?

Mr_Ben: YEAH!

Wabewalkr: "Ya losers! If it weren't for me saving your sorry asses every five minutes...!"

    *** DethKlaw has joined channel #spinnwebe

sol-D: H.P LoveCraft as the caterer
sol-D: hello

zompist: soundtrack available on virgin records, or in your next happy meal.

Mr_Ben: Or in the cutout bins of ANY record store1

DethKlaw: Damn cat pulled the phone cord.

    *** Signoff: Wabewalkr: (Operation timed out)
    Da_Raven grins. I love it when you go barbaric, wabe. :)

Mr_Ben: And cats pulling phone cords worldwide!

    *** DethKlaw is now known as Wabewalkr:

MisterQ: With their minds!

Wabewalkr: My cat can act.

Mr_Ben: And ON FIRE!

Da_Raven: Don't give my cats ideas!

sol-D: cats setting kittens on fire?

Mr_Ben: And then strutting around like they...oh, forget it!

MisterQ: But Hell Kittens don't mind being on fire!

Time out for yet another discussion of Star Wars

Wabewalkr: Superman's Flying Sperm!
Mr_Ben: Kittens on Fire and the Superman Strut



zompist: eeeeeewwwwww.

Mr_Ben: Oh brother, here we go AGAIN!

MisterQ: Women fighting Sperm the size of Elephants
MisterQ: with swords!

Mr_Ben: And fire!

Wabewalkr: And machine-guns!

MisterQ: Dragon Kittens that Breathe fire

sol-D: and midgets riding anacondas wearing tutu's

Mr_Ben: A radio shock jock who sets his sidekick on fire!

zompist: has anyone read the plot summary of the sequel to silence of the lambs? our work here would be an improvement on that.

MisterQ: Gilligan and the Skipper having an epic lightsabre battle
Wabewalkr: Then getting it on! "Come here, li'l buddy! Hehehe!"
MisterQ: Wait, will the midgets wear tutus or the anacondas?

sol-D: both.

Mr_Ben: Kids having a "kicking in the groin contest" that gets way out of control and spreads through the city like wildfire!

Wabewalkr: Setting kittens on fire!

MisterQ: Marshal Law called. Penny Marshal Law, that is.

Mr_Ben: Laverne and Shirley revealed as live-in lesbian lovers!

Wabewalkr: Bruce Willis jumping out of an exploding building for no reason!

MisterQ: Dogs and Cats living together!

sol-D: WITH Richard Simmons as the Beav.

Mr_Ben: Mel Gibson in a car chase for NO REASON at all!

Wabewalkr: Richard Simmons doesn't like beaver.

sol-D: Aliens who take over the world, but no one knows it!

MisterQ: Susan Powter explodes to stop the insanity

sol-D: no, he is the beaver

Da_Raven: Guessing by his hair, at least...

Wabewalkr: Wrestlers wearing sun glasses that allow them to see hidden messages!

Mr_Ben: Congress legalizes school shootings! Thousands of popular jocks and party girls are murdered in two weeks!
Mr_Ben: Wrestlers plummeting to their deaths for no reason!

zompist: geeks finally have sex!

sol-D: with the dead!

MisterQ: Rowdy Roddy Piper saves the world, but this time he hijacks a space ship and gives the mothership a virus

Da_Raven: Whoohoo!

Mr_Ben: With a computer.

Wabewalkr: George Kennedy in a crashing jumbo jet!

sol-D: Mini Me in an epic battle with a vacumn cleaner

zompist: the dalai lama gives the world a message of peace!

Mr_Ben: Punk rockers blow up Louisville, Kentucky!

MisterQ: Ahnold's head rolls across just saying his catch phrase: "Ahhl be baack"

zompist: hillbillies invade beverly hills!

sol-D: Jesus tempting virgins!

Mr_Ben: Hillbillies invade Beverly!

MisterQ: Ahnold's backside walking by itself saying, "Told yaa so"

Wabewalkr: Donald Sutherland playing a scientist that warns of impending doom!

MisterQ: From kittens!

Mr_Ben: Bill Clinton as the womanizing president!

zompist: donald sutherland being infinitely annoying!

Mr_Ben: And only Joel Hodgson can save the world!

zompist: rosanna arquette slims down for the role of her lifetime!

MisterQ: Thanks to computer graphics, we see all the greasy Baldwin brothers together
MisterQ: rosanne barr also slims down to a slender three tons

Wabewalkr: Charlie Sheen playing a misunderstood rebel!

zompist: mike meyers plays four roles, two of which are funny!

Mr_Ben: Tom Arnold as the character nobody takes seriously!

MisterQ: Marlon Brando stars as the latest sea world attraction

zompist: the kid everybody made fun of ends up saving the world!

MisterQ: Martin Short mercifully gets killed in the first five minutes

Mr_Ben: Ann Wilson from Heart as Shamu the killer whale!

MisterQ: On fire!

Mr_Ben: And singing a song about a barracuda.

zompist: megaweapon!


Mr_Ben: Green Day is attacked by Third Eye Blind immediately afterwards!

zompist: children scheme to bring their estranged parents back together!

Mr_Ben: And.....SAMPO!!!!!

zompist: orphans are cute!
zompist: little animals sing and dance!

MisterQ: Until they're stepped on by the Beastie Boys in their Giant Mecca!

Da_Raven: And Bullwinkle! On fire!

Wabewalkr: David Hedison playing the guy whom everybody recognizes but cannot remember his name!

zompist: a man's heart is ripped out by cultists!

Mr_Ben: But one orphan has a dark, dark secret: He's really Bob Barker!

MisterQ: Harrison Ford as Indiana Solo, US President.

sol-D: and no one may have already won 10 million dollars, so they all mass together and pillage lithuania

Mr_Ben: Harrison Ford as the state of Indiana!

Wabewalkr: Twins!

sol-D: twins in a nudist colony
sol-D: on fire

Da_Raven: Fire works on soooo many levels. :)

Mr_Ben: In Europe, a man's shoelace breaks, triggering a nuclear war!

Wabewalkr: Fire... on fire!

zompist: beds... in bed!

MisterQ: Gasp!

Wabewalkr: Farrah Fawcett setting beds on fire!

sol-D: kittens in cats!

Mr_Ben: Dan Rather taking a dump on the newsdesk on LIVE TV!

MisterQ: The Olsen Twins climb out of a dead man's eyeball

zompist: michelle kwan stars as a hong kong cop!

Wabewalkr: Chris Elliot as the Prime Minister of the UK!

zompist: gérard depardieu speaks and no one understands him!

Mr_Ben: And LadyJ still does laundry!

LadyJ: yeah yeah yeah

Mr_Ben: At least that's one consistant plotpoint, that and fire.

MisterQ: What kind of movie music will we have to the LadyJ doing laundry scene?

sol-D: porno

LadyJ: chick a wow wow

sol-D: muzak

Mr_Ben: How 'bout some Republica?

zompist: "a paler shade of white"

Mr_Ben: Garbage might work.

Wabewalkr: Eurythmics!

zompist: rage against the machine

Wabewalkr: LadyJ puts her laundry in bed and sets it on fire!

sol-D: no, no..you put all your clothes in the washer..add soap..and then throw in a match!

Mr_Ben: And then LadyJ struts around like she owns the place.

LadyJ: is that supposed to be a dig, Ben?

Mr_Ben: No, a running joke.

MisterQ: Headlines: News Flash: Billions take their lives as Carrottop proclaimed ruler of the world!

Wabewalkr: Kasey Kasem builds his own nuclear device!

sol-D: with H.R. Giger as the 3rd grade art teacher

Mr_Ben: A group of IRC people spout off band names like no other!

LadyJ: me first and the gimme gimmes

zompist: man, i think there's only one song on this björk album i really like.

MisterQ: Don't lie, you didn't buy the album for the music

zompist: who's lying? i drool over the cover pic.

Mr_Ben: Dr. Seuss unleashes a worldwide plague of wholesomeness!

sol-D: NEGATIVLAND! theme from the big 10-8 place..or soemthing

MisterQ: Dr. Seuss then unleashes a worldwide plauge of ebola!

sol-D: John Linnell kicks an unwholesome amount of ass. Flansy drinks lard.

Mr_Ben: Dr. Seuss then unleashes green eggs and ham onto the world!


sol-D: uh, full frontal nude linnell?

Wabewalkr: Dr. Seuss makes a sequel: Pink peas and spam!

sol-D: Avacado Green corpses be damned

LadyJ: bbiaf

Mr_Ben: Did she just call us "bbiafs"?

Wabewalkr: It's about a chinaman and a toilet -- a chine and a loo.

MisterQ: Dr. Suess rips off his face to reveal that he is, in fact, Dr. Satan!

zompist: who then rips off his face to reveal he is in fact Santa!

Mr_Ben: Dr. Seuss reveals himself to be....Dr. Cuthbertson!

Wabewalkr: Mispronunciations by Macintalk!

MisterQ: Dr. Seuss reveals himself to be Undead!

zompist: a credit sequence with naked women swimming underwater... while a bomb ticks!

MisterQ: Then only her underwear explodes

Mr_Ben: While it's in the drawer.

Wabewalkr: And she turns into a Smurf!

sol-D: she’s not wearing shoes!

MisterQ: Cue porno music for Smurfette in 3...2...

Mr_Ben: "La la la la la laaaaa!"

zompist: smurfette, in her first "nude scene", shows us "all she's got"!

Wabewalkr: Which is... a penis! "She"'s in drag!

MisterQ: Insert Smurfy Gang Bang scene

Mr_Ben: Smurfette gives up her lovin' to Jeffy Keane!

zompist: jeffy??? ouch.

Mr_Ben: And Brainy Smurf waits outside with his pants down and bent over

sol-D: that makes SO much sense

MisterQ: Crossdressy Smurf

zompist: "Jeffy, I'm so smurf that I smurf out with YOU!"

MisterQ: Oh yea, baby. Smurf me all you got. I think I'm going to smurf. Oh Smurf!

Wabewalkr: Smurfette battles the Irish Republican Army!
Wabewalkr: Firing her gun in sync to the music of Boy George!

Mr_Ben: Smurfette organizes a rebel band and invades Muppet Babies!

zompist: ben: nah, you need one side that's sympathetic.

LadyJ: The Irish Republican Army eats Green Eggs and Ham!

MisterQ: Smurfette as Joan of Smurf

Mr_Ben: Smurfette in the Smurf of a Smurftime!

Wabewalkr: Papa Smurf: "Kermit, I am your father!"

MisterQ: Kermit: No, I will not bow down to the Smurf Side!

zompist: kermit: bite me, blue boy!

sol-D: Papa Smurf offers smurf berries to schoolkids..and they accept!

Wabewalkr: Papa Smurf chops of Kermit's head and experiences... the Quickening!

Mr_Ben: Then Fozzie walks in with a bad Jedi joke.

MisterQ: Fozzie touches Jar Jar Binks and explodes in a flash of antimatter

zompist: together at last: fozzie and the fonz!

Mr_Ben: Jar Jar Binks is lynched in a small Alabama town!

LadyJ: Jar Jar and his cousin drive the General Lee over a ravine to escape the spit-slinging Boss Hogg

MisterQ: The Smurfs meet the Snorks and only one will survive the genocidal war

sol-D: but they live in different territories...

zompist: the snuffleupagus accidentally steps on the smurf army, destroying them all!


zompist: somewhere, soldiers wait... and wait.

Mr_Ben: Gallagher smashes all the Smurfs with Sledge-a-Matic!

LadyJ: The snorks eat mork with sporks, and call orson on ork.

MisterQ: Thousands of smurf clones wait to descend upon unsuspecting villages and do the will of Darth Gargamel

zompist: the red zone returns from the dead... and this time, it's not fooling around!

Mr_Ben: Darth Garga-Maul.
Mr_Ben: Rush Limbaugh destroys the world!

LadyJ: and Gallagher and Azrael plot to smash the smurfs and turn them into gold
LadyJ: Rush Limbaugh eats the world!

sol-D: will johann and peewee save the world in time?

Mr_Ben: With his talent on loan from God.

zompist: only two naïve teenagers survive the catastrophe, without much clothing!


LadyJ: the two semi-nude teenagers reinvent the comedy of Jerry Lewis

MisterQ: And Screaming Cheetawheelies

Mr_Ben: Jerry Lewis revealed as the Anti-Christ!

MisterQ: Hey pretty Lady! Can I have your soul freunlaven?

Mr_Ben: Ted Kennedy goes three days SOBER! Hell freezes over!

Wabewalkr: Dean Martin revealed to be Christ!

LadyJ: Christ is revealed as wearing clothes that showed off his buttcrack while he was carpentering

zompist: eeeeeeewwwwww.

MisterQ: Jesus returns to Earth, but doesn't have the immunity against the common flu.

Mr_Ben: Jesus returns to Earth and forms a Cheap Trick tribute band.

Wabewalkr: A giant asteroid made entirely from lime Jell-o crashes into the Pacific!

LadyJ: Jesus returns to life, and it is remembered that he has really bad hygiene

MisterQ: Jesus goes on world tour and is corrupted by money and fame and thousands of small plastic surgery operations and becomes a recluse

LadyJ: King Arthur scours the land for the saucer of the Holy Regalia!

Mr_Ben: Jesus tries to follow the Dead.

Wabewalkr: Michael Jackson's nose comes back from the grave to kill us all!

zompist: the knife and the spoon bitterly divorce!

Mr_Ben: King Arthur's wife scours the dishpan and saucer of the Holy Regalia.

zompist: an old mystic offers sage advice!
zompist: black men beat drums!

Mr_Ben: Traffic lights malfunction!

LadyJ: Godzilla rises again and asks for a very very large Pepsi!

zompist: an old witch cackles!
zompist: an old man learns to be young in his heart!

MisterQ: King Arthur uses Excalibur to .... SET KITTENS ON FIRE!

Wabewalkr: virgin sacrifices!

Mr_Ben: Superman continues to strut around!
Mr_Ben: And Spider-Man's with him!

LadyJ: and the popcorn chickie who sells the Pepsi to Godzilla reminds him that for a quarter more, he can have the really freaking huge Pepsi

sol-D: with a glass...errr..

Mr_Ben: A giant glass dildo destroys the city of Fresno!

MisterQ: And the Staypuft marshmellow man becomes an overnight sensation in the world of Pro Golf

zompist: the home team comes from behind to win a great victory!

Wabewalkr: Bill Murray plays a guy with no psychological disorders whatsoever!

Mr_Ben: And another giant glass dildo destroys what's left of Fresno and the first glass dildo!

zompist: the artist lives recklessly and creates great art!

LadyJ: Bert decides to pluck between his brows!

MisterQ: Ernie looses his attraction and runs off with Snuffalupagus

LadyJ: The Starship Enterprise encounters NO SUBSPACE ANOMALIES

Mr_Ben: Historians deny the existance of Wyoming!

zompist: the only state that's a participle.

Wabewalkr: Aliens come and kidnap BEA ARTHUR!

LadyJ: Bea Arthur kidnaps them back!

zompist: danny devito plays a character that's kind of slimy!

MisterQ: In order to graduate, School children have to fight a bear

Mr_Ben: And they all die in Wyoming!

sol-D: they have lunch!

LadyJ: Wyoming is declared a seperate country!
LadyJ: Wyoming invades Utah

Mr_Ben: Children play on railroad tracks and are obliterated by speeding freight trains!

Wabewalkr: California sinks one inch into the sea!

MisterQ: And declares war on Texas
MisterQ: Trains driven by Kittens!

Mr_Ben: Trains from Wyoming!

Wabewalkr: New York is nuked "to get rid of the cockroaches"!

MisterQ: It doesn't work. Cockroaches rebuild city.

LadyJ: Deodorant is found to cause kidney failure!

zompist: suspenseful scenes occur at night in the rain!

LadyJ: Saliva is found to be toxic, but only if swallowed in small amounts, over a long period of time!

Mr_Ben: New Jersey is nuked "to get rid of the assholes"!
Mr_Ben: THAT doesn't work, as the assholes move out west!

zompist: the roaches are back... and this time they're not fooling around!

Wabewalkr: Germany decides to change its image, renames itself "Jennifer"!

Mr_Ben: Roaches show they mean business by setting children and kittens on fire!

sol-D: they have glass dildos!

    sol-D said it... oy gevalt

Mr_Ben: Glass dildos fall on Seattle!

zompist: there's only one hope left... and it involves a long journey involving planes, trains, and a hydrofoil!

LadyJ: New Jersey sinks into the sea, and the people from Atlantic move above the surface!
LadyJ: Atlantis, too

Wabewalkr: One hundred glass dildos crush Bill Gates!

Mr_Ben: New Jersey sinks into the sea and nobody cares!

Wabewalkr: Johnny Quest and Hadji arrive on the scene in a hovercraft!

MisterQ: Luke and Darth have a fight, but this time they use giant plastiglass didldos.

zompist: the One Ring is found, then falls into the garbage disposal!

Mr_Ben: A brave kitten attempts to rescue the ring from the disposal!

zompist: dildo baggins claims the one ring!

MisterQ: heh

LadyJ: The A-Team and MacGuyver are in a pitched battle, and all that's available are pipe cleaners, a pair of nylon stockings, and a toothbrush. Who will win?

Mr_Ben: Dead babies become a popular restraunt attraction!

MisterQ: Dead dancing babies!

Mr_Ben: Calista Flockhart mysteriously gains two hundred pounds!

MisterQ: All in her bosom

Wabewalkr: The epic firefight between the Star Trek red shirts and the Star Wars stormtroopers.

zompist: the rough guy and the prissy schoolmarm fall in love!

sol-D: macguyver builds a time machine with 3 rubber bands, an eyeglass repair kit, and a jack russel terrier named maurice..then single handedly wins WWII

LadyJ: Buckwheat professes his love to Alfalfa

Mr_Ben: Anna Nicole Smith's breasts explode, killing thirty-six people!

MisterQ: Anna inherits their money

zompist: the beautiful girl turns out to have a fatal illness!

Wabewalkr: Whip Cream becomes sentient!

LadyJ: The hovercraft is made of glass dildoes and flaming kittens!

zompist: the hovercraft is full of eels!

MisterQ: homosexual kittens invade!

LadyJ: Whipped Cream invades Wyoming

Wabewalkr: The school nerd saves the day with his laptop!

Mr_Ben: Three men disappear, last seen near the ass of Jennifer Lopez!

zompist: teenagers say that everything either sucks or rules!

Wabewalkr: Anna Nicole Smith's nipples explode with delight!

LadyJ: Woody Harrelson professes his love to Alfalfa!

Wabewalkr: Molly Ringwald plays a perky, upbeat teen!

Mr_Ben: The Rolling Stones celebrate 300 years of rock n' roll with yet ANOTHER world tour!

MisterQ: Alfalfa professes his love to Anna Nicole Smith

sol-D: A small girl re-gains the will to live...AND NO ONE CARES

zompist: peter lorre says something menacingly!

MisterQ: Molly Ringwald declaired Speaker of the house

LadyJ: Anna Nicole Smith rips her face off, revealing cockroaches and exploding kittens!

Mr_Ben: And Bill Gates makes even more money!

zompist: the jets take off, as john williams music plays!

Wabewalkr: A man with a German... er, Jenniferian accent turns out to be completely innocent!

sol-D: a football player goes to jail after reaming Bill gates with a glass err...

MisterQ: The camera pans over a lone ant

LadyJ: The sci fi channel plays shows that have NOTHING TO DO WITH SCI-FI

sol-D: somewhere, another dog barks

MisterQ: And MTV plays videos again!

Wabewalkr: 52 minutes of a crack in the sidewalk!

LadyJ: a shot rings out, a woman screams

zompist: there's a montage of the hero and heroine laughing over dinner, walking in the park, and feeding ducks!

Mr_Ben: Three days of the condor!

LadyJ: andy warhol rolls a joint

Mr_Ben: The ducks become violent and go on a killing spree1

MisterQ: The maltese falcon is found to be actually a malteese dildo

Wabewalkr: CHiPs style freeze-frames during the closing credits!

zompist: through clever video manipulation, jesse helms is made to say "i like to suck cock!"

MisterQ: The General Lee leaps over the Grand Canyon with Thelma and Louise

LadyJ: He-Man and company stand, legs apart, throwing their heads back in laughter

Mr_Ben: Then they explode.

MisterQ: And kittens burst out
MisterQ: like in the movie Alien

zompist: eddie murphy says a bunch of things that aren't really very funny!

Wabewalkr: "And I would have gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling kids and your fucking dog!"

Mr_Ben: George Carlin makes even MORE commercials!

MisterQ: A lone Mongoose howls

zompist: keanu reeves smiles... and hell freezes over!

LadyJ: Death points to the Salmon Mousse

zompist: let's try to get the neil gaiman death, not the old guy with the sickle.

Wabewalkr: Death takes a holiday, but loses its wallet.

Mr_Ben: Thousands of people compelled to dance all at once!
Mr_Ben: Bad taste takes a holiday1

MisterQ: Death revealed to actually look like Neil Gaiman envisioned her

Wabewalkr: Death turns out to be Dawn French, after all!

LadyJ: The Romans take a holiday
LadyJ: in france

MisterQ: Country line dancing made a capital offense

zompist: for once, the redshirts survive and captain kirk kicks it!

Mr_Ben: Country music determined to be the leading cause of incest through the South!

zompist: hillbillies mutter darkly and load their ding-dang rifles!

LadyJ: The birth of Christ is found to have been created by George Lucas, which makes sense since the story was unbelievable

Wabewalkr: Hyperintelligent monkeys are given a spacecraft, but spend their time picking lice off each other!

Mr_Ben: Captain Kirk caught engaging in his favorite hobby: setting kittens on fire!

zompist: crazed mongolian hordes mass on the horizon!

MisterQ: CDs start to levitate and chop peoples heads off like miniature sawblades

Mr_Ben: A giant bee attacks Cincinatti!

zompist: disco is back... and this time it's not fooling around!

LadyJ: Baron Munchausen eats Tim the Enchanter

Wabewalkr: Gratuitous Stephen King cameo

Mr_Ben: Disco Demolition Night II!

MisterQ: A dog chewing gum stops Son of Sam

Mr_Ben: Five minutes of nothing but "Don't Fear the Reaper" is heard!

MisterQ: The roof, the roof, the roof is actually on fire

zompist: the perfect murder... except for one thing!

sol-D: a glass superman?

LadyJ: Blue Oyster Cult goes to the Blue Oyster Bar from the Police Academy movies!

zompist: the time travelers avoid death by predicting an eclipse!

Wabewalkr: Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the ketchup...

Mr_Ben: Pluto snaps out of orbit and plunges into the sun!

MisterQ: But die anyway when the eclipse turns out to be an asteroid heading for earth

zompist: stock footage of dinosaurs fighting is inserted for no reason!

Wabewalkr: CLAYMATION!!

Mr_Ben: Stock footage of old women applauding!

zompist: terry gilliam animation!

MisterQ: Whenever Fran Dresher tries to speak, Nicolodeon slime pours out of her mouth

LadyJ: Hemingway admits a penchant for setting kittens on fire while wearing ladies' underwear

MisterQ: As does J Gordon Liddy

Mr_Ben: Sampo determined to be a legitimate substance!

sol-D: lazy underwear runs amuck!

zompist: menudo is back... and this time they're really really old!

LadyJ: Rosie Perez and Fran Drescher have a catfight, with the sound thankfully muted

Wabewalkr: J. Edgar Hoover throws a tupperware party!

MisterQ: In a dress

sol-D: in the nude!

zompist: in bed!

Mr_Ben: On fire!

LadyJ: with cockroaches!

sol-D: in a nude colored bed dress!

Mr_Ben: With Superman in the background!

MisterQ: With superman in the tupperware

Mr_Ben: With dead kittens in them!

zompist: jabba the hutt and smurfette get it on!

MisterQ: Jabba eats smurfette and Princess Leia

LadyJ: the snorks come out of jabba's ass

Mr_Ben: Dom DeLuise is finally taken seriously as an actor!

MisterQ: By portraying Jabba

LadyJ: Marcel Marceau says, "No!"

Wabewalkr: "They said it couldn't be done!"

MisterQ: Marcel Marceau found to have a voice like a schoolgirl

Wabewalkr: "Nobody will be seated during the last ten hours of this movie!"

    sol-D gets her video camera and a hostage list

LadyJ: Barry White and Chef have a mudfight, with the sound thankfully muted

Wabewalkr: Chef? You mean Lenny Harry?

Mr_Ben: Ezekiel Krahlin secretly videotaped with a woman!

zompist: raven's logfile explodes!

MisterQ: Seven audience members vomit, one dies in movie premiere

LadyJ: bbiab, gotta fold clothes

zompist: no one will be seated during the LadyJ clothes-folding sequence

MisterQ: Un Spinnwebe Andalou: this movie will fuck you up for life!

Wabewalkr: Martin Landau on the moon, which leaves orbit!

Mr_Ben: How long is this movie?

zompist: twelve hours and counting...

Wabewalkr: "Just try to keep from dancing out of the theatre!"

MisterQ: A clown sheds a tear... he is out of ammunition

zompist: crocodile dundee is back... and this time he's an alcoholic has-been!

Mr_Ben: World War III is fought with seltzer water and cream pies!

MisterQ: But he has a knife bigger than Jack the ripper’s!

Wabewalkr: Jack the Ripper revealed to be... Queen Victoria!

MisterQ: Jack the Ripper revealed to be a giant bee!

zompist: a giant killer bee!

Wabewalkr: a giant cloned killer bee... from Brazil!

Mr_Ben: Which attacks Wyoming!

MisterQ: With exploding smurfs!

zompist: the hero is shown as a young boy, forced to watch as the evil gang murders his family!

Mr_Ben: Superman destroys the bee by dropping a glass dildo on it!

zompist: clint eastwood utters pithy threats!

Wabewalkr: The movie ends, with nary a hint of a sequel!

sol-D: it shatters!

Wabewalkr: Lot's o' "Combat Quips!"

zompist: the audience goes wild!

Mr_Ben: The audience riots, demanding the movie end!

zompist: the critics are dumbfounded!

sol-D: they all load their complimentary guns!

zompist: a lot of popcorn grease stains the floor!

Wabewalkr: Forty-three babies are born in the theatre during the showing!

Mr_Ben: Roger Ebert gets into a shoving match with his new partner over the movie!

zompist: and they get it on in the projection booth1

MisterQ: End music is the Mortal Kombat song

Mr_Ben: Frank Zappa records six more albums for the soundtrack!
Mr_Ben: A remarkable feat, considering he's been dead for five years!

zompist: i dunno, he's been putting them out pretty steadily.

Wabewalkr: Roger Ebert forced to admit he once described Star Wars as "the death of moviemaking."

Mr_Ben: Roger Ebert grounded from his favorite snack foods!

Wabewalkr: L. Ron Hubbard returns from the grave, admits Scientology "was just a joke."

Mr_Ben: Frank Zappa revealed to have fathered two children named John and Mary!

zompist: the reborn elron is lynched by his followers.

MisterQ: Mulder and Scully investigate some strange occurance, but only find raw uncut cocaine

LadyJ: Beer is declared a vegetable on the food pyramid!

Mr_Ben: Dianetics is made into a weekly UPN series!

MisterQ: With a Wayans brother as the lead

Wabewalkr: Entire cast of Star Trek executed for violating the Prime Directive.

zompist: mulder and scully end up in bed together, but comical hijinx prevent anything happening!

Mr_Ben: Wyoming overrun by Wayans brothers!

MisterQ: Scully wakes up with a glass dildo, unable to remember last night

Wabewalkr: The Olsen Twins are beat to death with dead voles!

zompist: a hideous monster tortures sexually active teenagers!

MisterQ: Capybaras eats the bodies of the olsen twins

Mr_Ben: Ricky Martin crushed to death by over excited 500 pound fan!

LadyJ: The cast of Different Strokes attempts a reunion, but the only alive, unimprisoned cast member is the father!

MisterQ: Sexually active teenagers torture a hideous but innocent monster

zompist: charlton heston is shot with a saturday night special!
zompist: meryl streep attempts one accent too many, chokes to death!

Wabewalkr: Men enslaved by hyperevolved otters!

MisterQ: Sexually active monster torture themselves by commiting adultry..err.. monstrultry

LadyJ: Gay Tigers are thrown out of the zoo

MisterQ: Find new home with Siegfried and Roy

Wabewalkr: Sigfried OR Roy.

zompist: the love that dares not speak its name learns how, and can't shut up!

LadyJ: wahahaha

    LadyJ chokes on her iced tea!

MisterQ: Porn music plays

zompist: on the zither!

    *** Signoff: Mr_Ben: (Read error: 54 (Connection reset by peer))

Wabewalkr: A brunette is described as something other than a "raven-haired beauty."

MisterQ: A blond wins Nobel prize

zompist: a blonde is discovered to be intelligent... but the part is dubbed.

LadyJ: Ben's connection is reset!
LadyJ: Ben argues that no one is his peer

MisterQ: This 'peer' person hunted down like dog

Wabewalkr: Mr Ben's rice is converted... to Catholicism!

LadyJ: Jennifer Tilley loses her voice... and there is much rejoicing!

    *** Mr_Ben has joined channel #spinnwebe

zompist: ben regains his connection!

LadyJ: Ben returns, and is thought to be Christ!

MisterQ: People everywhere shrink to the size of 5 inches tall, but become indestructible

Mr_Ben: Ben smashes his computer with a glass dildo.

zompist: ben is back... and this time he's not fooling around!

Wabewalkr: The entire cast of "Friends" is accidentally frozen in an iceburg!

Mr_Ben: And everyone rejoices!

LadyJ: The flaming kittens know that the freezing was NO ACCIDENT

MisterQ: Undetermined iceburg sent into orbit around Pluto

Wabewalkr: Which is falling into the sun!
Wabewalkr: 10th planet discovered, named "Bernice."

Mr_Ben: Hotel guest forced to drink Canada Dry lemon from a hotel vending machine!

zompist: donald duck is forced to admit that huey, dewey and louie aren't his "nephews"!

MisterQ: Bernice crashes into the sun. Seems to have had a Romeo and Juliet relationship with Pluto

Wabewalkr: Bernicians invade South Dakota!

zompist: the look of '50s monster movies is lovingly recreated with computer animation!

Mr_Ben: U.S. allow Bernicians to KEEP South Dakota!

MisterQ: Daisy duck lays egg. Inside egg is Daisy duck.

LadyJ: South Dakota invades Wyoming!

zompist: villains talk in amusing accents!

Mr_Ben: Forces from Alaska called in!

MisterQ: Bernicians revealed to be clones of Friends cast

Wabewalkr: Daisy Duck sues M.C. Escher for paternity!

LadyJ: Spam is found to contain TOO MUCH FREAKING SODIUM

MisterQ: And is banned on the internet forever

Mr_Ben: ZZ Top shaves their beards, sending Earth plummeting into the sun!

MisterQ: ZZ Top reveals themselves to be Wilson Phillips

LadyJ: The cast of Friends, having morphed into superheroes by their close proximity to the sun, save the planet!

Mr_Ben: Wilson Phillips revealed as actually TALENTED!

LadyJ: Earth grudgingly allows Friends to go on for another season in thanks

MisterQ: Chtuhlu rises from the deep. Wants only to see new Star Wars movie.

Wabewalkr: "My God, it's full of cars!"

zompist: radioactive monsters befriend a young japanese boy named ken!

Wabewalkr: Two words: Johnny Sako!

Mr_Ben: Ric Ocasek marries more supermodels, despite being one ugly mofo!

MisterQ: radioactive monsters eat ken

LadyJ: Hadji professes his love to Johnny Quest

MisterQ: anyone that wants to can now marry supermodel or their clone

Mr_Ben: A spree killer goes on a rampage with a forklift!

zompist: a multi-ethnic unit comes together under fire!

Wabewalkr: "If the hovercraft's a-rockin'..."


Mr_Ben: Chicago Cubs sign Christopher Reeve to play second base!

    *** Signoff: sol-D: (but nothing ever changed. that wouldn't be fair.)

zompist: the cubs go on to win the series!

Wabewalkr: A young boy assembles a ragtag group of misfits to defeat a powerful enemy, and loses!

zompist: hell freezes over!

LadyJ: Gene Roddenbury comes back from the grave and shoots the production staff of Earth: Final Conflict before dying again, peacefully

MisterQ: The giant bee attacks Mr. Spock who accidentaly gets teleported with it and switches heads

Mr_Ben: The Cubs win the World Series, and millions set kittens on fire in celebration!

MisterQ: Cajun Kitten delicacy spreads like wildfire

zompist: the team blasts off from its secret fortress in a huge phallic spacecraft!

Mr_Ben: Ned Devine finally wakes up!

Wabewalkr: Godot arrives, explains he was "stuck on the subway."

zompist: ircers amaze themselves with how long they can keep this up!

LadyJ: a Saturday Night Live sketch is made into a movie, AND ISN'T FUNNY

MisterQ: Scientist now give people the option of reproducing over the internet

zompist: bill murray hits "forward", stops reliving his life

Mr_Ben: Bill Murray once again reprises his role as Ken Bowden, storefront lawyer!
Mr_Ben: IRCers begin recycling jokes.

Wabewalkr: Scientists announce the successful cloning of Dolly... Parton!

LadyJ: Richard Gere finally speaks out against the rumors, stating "Goddammit, it wasn't a gerbil, it was a hamster!"

zompist: an old witch makes a prediction... and it turns out to be complete hogwash!

MisterQ: God comes down from heaven to see new Star Wars movie. Leaves with new love interest, Chutulu

zompist: cheech and chong embarrass their families!

Mr_Ben: Elvis spotted in Kalamazoo with a Jar Jar Binks T-shirt on!


MisterQ: New Shakespeare play is found. It starts with the words, 'A Long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away...'

Wabewalkr: Four kids enter chiffron, meet magical creatures. With the help of a powerful magic panther, defeat the Ice Wizard!

Mr_Ben: And then they all get drunk!

MisterQ: and find that they were actually at the zoo
zompist: a porno actor can't perform!

LadyJ: The Playboy channel accidentally shows graphic penetration

Wabewalkr: Millions of teenagers suddenly go celibate!

MisterQ: Apes take over the world.... peacefully through democratic vote.

LadyJ: The candidate from the Green Party gets elected president

Mr_Ben: Jim Morrison posthumously joins Van Halen as its new lead singer!

zompist: insects grow to the size of a house without collapsing on their thin little legs!

LadyJ: a dog barks

zompist: rocket scientists look worried!

Mr_Ben: Glass dildo factory discovered in Iraq!

MisterQ: Led Zepplin and Van Halen join into new band 'Van Zepplin'

zompist: moon unit joins, forming "van zappalin"

MisterQ: Blue Oyster Cult joins, forming 'Van Zappalin Cult'

Wabewalkr: National motto "E Pluribus Unum" replaced with "Whoa, I'm tripping my nutsak in a frenzy of dik play."

LadyJ: the Eagles decide they liked touring, and tour again

zompist: tents are held wher they are!

Wabewalkr: "If this band's a-rocking, ..."

LadyJ: the psychic void waits

MisterQ: Its time had come, but it was sleeping
zompist: bo derek as you've never seen her before... fat, old, and skanky!

Mr_Ben: Someone "furiously urinates".

MisterQ: Prehensile vaginas eat entire town of Kalamazoo

Mr_Ben: Midnight Oil joins, forming Van Midnight Zappalin Cult-Oil.

Wabewalkr: Treasury admits, new $20 bill "just a joke."

LadyJ: the psychic phallus moves slowly... it's come has time.

zompist: gamera turns out not to be the friend of children everywhere!

Mr_Ben: Treasury finally does away with pennies!

LadyJ: apostrophes go on strike because they are overworked and underpaid

Wabewalkr: Penny Marshall declares war on the Treasury Department!

Mr_Ben: Dave Barry writes a serious column and loses his entire readership!

MisterQ: The Thundercats reveal all in new shocking video: Too Hot for Thundera

Mr_Ben: Students flogged after confusing "your" with "you're"!

zompist: rimmer passes his engineer's exam!

Wabewalkr: Lister takes a bath!

MisterQ: Cobra sabotages GI Joe's vehicle ejection seats. Takes over world

Mr_Ben: Another Superman/Spider-Man crossover happens!

zompist: s.p.e.c.t.r.e. decides that its acronym is really stupid!

Wabewalkr: Riddler decides NOT to leave clues... soon is wealthiest man on the planet!

MisterQ: Gadget killed by Mr. Claw

zompist: evil overlords fire their idiot henchmen!

Mr_Ben: Mr. Claw revealed to be Ed Koch!

Wabewalkr: Dr. Doom removes mask, reveals face of Maccauly Calkin!

LadyJ: Dr. Claw goes on a rampage because people aren't using the appropriate honorific

zompist: riddler sues dr. who for stealing one of his question marks!

MisterQ: Superman/Spiderman crossover rated NC-17

zompist: for hot spider-on-super action

Wabewalkr: Aunt May named Superhero of the Year!

Mr_Ben: And Spider-Man is destroyed by another super orgasm!
Mr_Ben: Aunt May revealed to be hot 19-year-old.

LadyJ: time for me to sleep

Mr_Ben: LadyJ goes to bed!

LadyJ: I have a job interview tomorrow

MisterQ: LadyJ hallucinates from sleep deprivation

Mr_Ben: LadyJ gets the job she wants.

    *** Signoff: LadyJ: (Connection reset by Dali)

zompist: hello, dali!

MisterQ: Goodbye, Magritte

Mr_Ben: Goodnight, Moon!

zompist: or, in the keane household, goodnight, boob!

Mr_Ben: (and 1000 others)

MisterQ: goodnight, breast

zompist: man, i haven't used this many exclamation points the whole rest of the year.

Mr_Ben: Exclamation points banned!

MisterQ: WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MisterQ: Morpeus comes for us all
MisterQ: Except instead of throwing sand, he throws bees

zompist: this has been bugging me for half an hour... what is the name of that weird '30s electronic instrument played with the hands?

MisterQ: 30's electronic instrument?

zompist: THEREMIN!!! dammit!
zompist: i've been trying to think of that since the 'mortal kombat' reference.

Meta-discussion on the movie’s title

Mr_Ben: And shouldn't we call that movie something?
MisterQ: The Spinnwebe Surrealist Space Show

zompist: Un Spinnwebe Andalou

sol-D: Midgets with Glass err...Neverminds

Mr_Ben: Let's call it "Teddy" and be done with it. ;-)

MisterQ: Police Academy XXIV
MisterQ: Un Spinnwebe Andalou II: Kittens on Fire


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