Welcome to the
Ultra Exclusive Completely Limited Release Criterion Platinum Special Collector's Edition
of Not My Desk!
i know chris is JOKING but i rilly collected it!
i dl ALL his pages and save them on a zip disk i have. that way i can read not my desk even if im
not connected . ^_^ i cant go thru a day without reading
not my desk, do u think i have a PROBLEM lol? well it keeps me sane! ^_^ thank u chris!!
We're very excited
to bring you this once-in-a-lifetime edition... NOT SOLD IN ANY STORE! In
it you will find INSIGHTFUL WRITER'S COMMENTARY on past
updates, NEVER BEFORE SEEN OUTTAKES and GAGS, DELETED SECTIONS
that were trimmed for time or deemed unfit for publication, an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
with the site's creator, the GALLERY OF CRAPPY LOGOS, and much, much more! Okay, not much, much
more. That's probably about it. In fact, there may actually be less.
Here's how these things go for me. 1) Come up
with idea for theme week, like a special collector's edition. 2) Come up
with a single idea for it, in this case, writer's commentary. 3)
Quickly make up other ideas that I think I'll be able to accomplish and
make funny during the week, and list them, despite having no real idea how
I am going to make them work (in this case, everything else listed).
4) Spend hours creating logos, graphics, etc. 5) Post
the first day of the theme week. 6) Spend the rest of the week
hating myself for listing things before I even knew what I was going to do
with them, because I still don't know what to do with them. (I even pulled one
idea out of the lineup out at the last minute: behind-the-scenes
photos. If you read all the commentary this week, though, you got to
see 8000 tiny photos of me, so close enough).
I did start putting
together a crappy logo gallery, but shit, what the hell am I really going
to say about my logos? Anyway, you can see what I started assembling
here, if you really want to.
aw chris is SO CUTE when hes totally down on himself.
i do'nt get it tho, if i cd do stuff HALF that funny i'd, i dunno,
be like all GENIUS BITCH FROM HELL about it. I wish hed do the behind the
scenes pix and crappy logos (rilly very excellent logos!) stuff, but im not
complaining, look at ALL THE STUFF we got this week, it must of taken FOREVER.
with all that time, i think chris dosnt have a girlfriend, dont you?
i have a HOPE now, thats all u can ask 4!! ^_^
Been a while since we've had a theme week, so I thought it was about time.
Let's get started!
it has been a while! The last one was the Feltman write-in
campaign, which wasn't even intended to be a theme week, and that was
exactly a year ago.
(meaning last Saturday, when I "planned" this) everything
about this theme week was going to be a joke. Joke commentary, made-up deleted scenes,
everything. So, I sat down to write fake commentary, but while
I was reading over my site and thinking about it, it seemed easier and
possibly more interesting to just go and do a real commentary. So
I did. It took a long while, mostly because I had to read every
single damn thing I've ever written, but it was a lot fun to actually
Writer's Commentary -- Year Three plus Bonus Tracks!
Maybe we should've done this with Year 1, because
what can you ever say about the 3rd thing in a series? Batman 3,
the Holy Ghost, Leviticus, the Third Punic War, C#, George Harrison, New Jersey.
Eh. Beginnings are more interesting.
Anyway, I remember the first night tieboy came into #spinnwebe. At first I
didn't like him; we were talking about sf, and he disagreed with everything.
Later I got to appreciate his quick wit... chiefly used, at first, in artful
putdowns of Hard Candy there. Then he came out with the site, and I was really surprised that it was so funny. I like writers like S.J. Perelman or Dave Barry or tieboy, I mean Chris, where you never know where a sentence is going to end up.
I figured you wanted me to contribute just to see me
and "Chris" fight. (It feels weird to call him that, although I guess it's his name.)
Well, I don't care. If someone doesn't like you, you just have to remember
that there's billions of people in the world who do. I have my own life now.
You people who want to keep putting me down, you're the pathetic losers.
That's all I can say.
8 - April 12, 2002 - Yet another goddamn new look hits the site!
Plus, learn how Not My Desk almost closed up shop in March! For
good! Also, the message board
mystery: solved at last!
damn (sorry if i can't say that here) but that whole
thread was SO STUPID. like it was so obvious chris was JOKING and besides
he had'nt met me yet ^_^. i got IM from him once tho that was SO COOL
even tho i froze up and just yammered like an 12 year old, he must of thought
i was SO RETARDED but he was still nice. but rilly u girls, u think whenever
chris talks about A GIRL its got 2 be u? do u think that too when justin sings too,
i mean GIRL GET A CLUE.
Temp Test! - Since Year Three is only a few months old, here's a bonus
commentary track for the Temp Test! Find out stuff about the Temp
Test. Not a lot of stuff... but some stuff!
Hi, I'm Evan. I think I found Not My Desk about a year
ago-- my brother-in-law Jeff sent it to me because he knew I had worked as a temp,
about five years ago. Jeff lives way over in North Carolina now and he may not
remember that I'm actually an H.R. manager now. But anyway, I liked it, it's a
cool site. I must've sent it to about fifty people myself, so you can consider this
a big thank you from me, Chris! I bookmarked it, and I still look at it about once
a month or so, even though I'm not currently a temp. A lot of the humor, I think anyone can get.
- Ever wondered where the images on my "live" TempCam page came
from? Of course you didn't! Who would? Still, I explain
everything about the TempCam page in loving detail.
Bonus Track One:
- What could this be? A Super Extra Bonus Track? Yes! Just for
See, to me, this is just fake. He's writing like it's
some kind of kid's page. But then he talks about "tracks", and you may
not know this, but I own a Tracker. So it's really a dig at my expense.
Yeah, that's funny.
Exclusive Interview & NMD Outtakes and Gags!
I love watching
movie and TV outtakes, don't you? It's funny when actors flub their lines
or props break or things just go completely wrong! Well, don't think that
doesn't happen around here, because it does! A lot!
Chris is really good at this "things going wrong" kind
of humor. I can appreciate that, because things go wrong at my office too.
I remember this girl at the place I used to work-- well, I should say this
woman, because she was about 26, had a kid. One Halloween she brought her kid
in; she was about four years old, and the lady had made her a Halloween costume
that was a dinosaur. I don't mean one of those cheap printed costumes you get
from Walgreen's; this was a beautiful handmade dinosaur outfit, with spikes on
the back and a long stuffed tail. I have to say, it was really adorable!
Everybody had to come and look at the kid in the dinosaur suit. It was really
a pity when, a few months later, we had to lay the woman off.
Here for Not My Desk's Outtakes and Gags!
If you're anything
like me, you spend a lot of time thinking about... me! What makes me
tick? Why do I do what I do, and when? Where did I leave my
pants? In an attempt to answer those questions and more, I recently
interviewed myself. The answers may just shock you!
Here for My Exclusive Interview of Myself!
I wrote these two sections when I was extremely
tired, and man, they made me laugh like crazy. That's usually a bad
sign. Often, the stuff I think is the funniest is the
least funny, and the stuff I don't think much of gets me
Don't you hate people who laugh at their own jokes?
Writer's Commentary -- Year Two!
6 - March 10, 2001 - It's more NMD history as Henchman of the Week
bursts onto the scene (for a
while), and Diversions begin distracting people from doing their work.
Also, thoughts on why the site changes looks so often and warm memories of the
lovely and talented Mary Jo Pehl.
Sure, trot out the celebrity endorsements. Do you see me
making a big thing of the time I met Kittie? I have all the MST3K tapes from
the Joel years, and so I read the Mary Jo Pehl thing, but you have to admit,
"Mrs. Forrester" couldn't hold a candle to Trace Beaulieu.
You know, I prefer Joel too, but you have to remember that
whatever you think of them as performers, Mike Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl were
fantastic as writers. They wrote all those Joel episodes you liked.
You think I didn't know that?
23 - July 27, 2001 - Rage. Nothing but rage.
15 - October 26, 2001 - Obnoxious idiots in chat rooms meet an even more
obnoxious idiot (me), as a little something called Temp Chat appears for the
first time. Thank you!
Also, is that a haunting serenade for honey
barbeque wings I hear? Yep. That's a haunting serenade for honey barbeque
wings I hear. Definitely.
Folks, here's a dirty little secret: he acts like
that all the time in chat. Some of us don't chat to constantly show off every minute.
I picture all of Tie's, I mean Chris's stories happening
in Oakland, not only because they often do, but because that's where I stayed
when I went out to see him. So that piece when Chris is desperately looking for
breakfast and a pharmacy as he goes to an interview in Oakland, I was thinking
"Yeah, I remember that Burger King... yeah, there's no restaurants along that
stretch..." It's like he's writing for me, man.
That was also the trip where the idiot waiter forgot to put our order in.
Twice. Chris tried to get free drinks out of it, but all they gave us was free
desserts. I used this in a Fuschia comic.
Somehow it doesn't surprise me that he's cheap...
omgz zomp i ca'nt believe you actually MET chris.
not that im jealous. oh who am i kidding OF COURSE im jealous!
i bet he is so cute in RL, is he? well how would u know ur a guy, right?
Of course he's cute. No sex, creed, or nation is free
from Tie-appeal. Kikuyu tribesmen wear amulets bearing his image around their
necks. Indians and Pakistanis both adore him. If all the women and men who've
desired him were laid end to end, Chris would be the one to do it. The Dalai Lama
and Michael J. Fox both are fans. I've spent an hour in a stairwell with Chris and an
hour in a radio studio with Hard Candy, and truly, there is no comparison.
are u being sarcasstic?
I'm Teller, and I for one would be happy to put this rumor
to rest. There's one picture of Chris
where Zompist detected some similarity to mine.
Very funny, Zompist, but did you ever consider the impact on me?
How many times has Penn called me "Not My Magician", sometimes on stage,
and then collapsed into giggles? Once he introduced me as his "temp", and
fuck it, I broke character and ripped the big loudmouth a new one.
14 - January 18, 2002 - A completely different site design assaults the
eyes and tests the patience of faithful readers, the truth of why I hate poets
so much is finally revealed, footage is altered so Greedo actually shoots at Han
Solo first, and an anus is noticed, pondered, and covered up. Also, NMD
gets a staff!
From what I can see, Chris usually fulfils the administrative
assistant type of role, though it's interesting to see that here he pictures himself
as more of a manager. I'm the first to appreciate Chris's jokes about managers,
but I think we should recognize that sometimes the shoe is on the other foot.
You think managers are funny, you should be a manager sometime!
Actually I have a manager story, although this wasn't someone I ended up
working for-- and thank God! I was interviewing for a H.R. position, and I
talked with the head of H.R., who was an old guy who had a thing for these
psychological tests that he'd invented himself. He'd talk really seriously
about these questions he was going to ask, which were to see if you were
"detail-oriented" or "people-oriented" or whatever, and carefully explain
that you weren't supposed to think about the question deeply and that he
wouldn't ask any follow-up questions. I suppose this was supposed to be exceedingly
scientific and allow for comparison, but it was just funny, especially since
it was so predictable. For the "detail-oriented" ones, who's going to answer
like they're sloppy idiots, especially since he's just explained that he's looking
for "detail-oriented" people? One of the questions was, I swear to God, whether
you mow right up to the edge of the grass, right up to the trees or whatever,
and whether you use an edger or not. I told him
I didn't have any trees in the middle of my lawn, and I think he didn't like
that or didn't know what to do with it. It must not have sounded "detail-oriented"
enough, because I didn't get that job. Anyway, that's my manager story, or one of them.
i may just be a dumb person, but that sounds MEGA-STUPID,
what does mowing the grass have 2 do with ur job?
That was my opinion as well.
If you think
you've read everything I've written for this site, think again! There's
tons of stuff that sucked so bad it never saw the light of day. There are
also a lot of updates that were started and never finished, ideas that didn't
pan out, and humor that lacked the essential requirement of being funny.
So, take a look at the deleted scenes of Not My Desk!
here for the Deleted Scenes!
These weren't actually supposed to be real
deleted scenes. I was going to invent some jokey ones, but it wasn't
working out, and I'd blown most of the evening preparing Wednesday's
commentary. So, I poked around and found some actual stuff I had
been working on but hadn't used. Since I rarely ever go back to
older, uncompleted stuff, I figured I'd never use them, and just tossed
them in there.
That sounds like a lot of work, but you should know
that Chris spends most of his evenings chatting, watching Mets games,
and cybering... people who use AIM may recognize the nick "FrenchMaid145"...
ha ha ur FUNNY. that was not the nick he used with me.
u know i think ur trying 2 make fun of chris. may
be ur jealous?
why ca'nt u just ENJOY a rilly funny site that chris spends a LOT of time on?
chris come talk with me (SailorPaulaZ) on IM if u get sick of ppl making fun of yuo! ^_^
Writer's Commentary --
Don't worry, I
didn't go through the entire year and comment on everything. But here are
a few different archive pages I picked out and littered with commentary.
Just click on the dates below to read my self-indulgent tripe and learn more
than you ever wanted to know about Not My Desk!
A rare moment of honesty, if you ask me.
Basically, what do we have here? A college dropout who takes odd jobs,
probably because he doesn't have the training to do anything else.
And they make fun of me because I went to radio school and bartending school
(and graduated, thank you very much), so I can maybe make something of myself.
Yeah, that double standard makes lots of sense.
3 - July 3, 2000 - The very first page of Not My Desk! Learn about
the origins of NMD, view the never-before-seen original Not My Desk website,
hear about the first (of many) discontinued features, and find out the shocking secret of Year One!
Track Two: August
14 - August 18, 2000 - The Stile Project connection,
the Al Gore reaction, trans-gender issues, the real reason why people are always named "Cathy" and "Todd" in my essays,
Dammit, I realized today that when I mentioned stile
project on Monday, I completely forgot to mention how that led me to my
advertising contract with bla-bla.com, which led to some nasty animated
banners and buttons I had on the site for a while, and which later led to
a letter from their lawyers. Ah well.
Maybe I'll do another commentary track sometime.
I'm kind of surprised that Chris had something to do
with that Stile site. Did you guys ever see it? It's really raw stuff, mostly
pornography. I saw it because it was bookmarked on the computer of this guy,
Randy, that quit, and we thought he had some files on his computer that he
shouldn't have. That's not exactly one of the most amusing parts of my job
as a H.R. manager, I'll tell you-- looking at other people's computers for
things that shouldn't be there. I could tell you some stories-- if we didn't
have this little thing called confidentiality!
I don't think people really understand this, that the computer you use at work
isn't your computer. It belongs to the company. And someone from the
company may have to look at anything you put on it. Probably me (grumble, grumble).
I saw it once. That sort of person, they're just insecure
people looking for attention. Just don't give it to them.
i typed stile into my browser and i got
some spanish furniture company! lol ^_^
Track Three: November
11 - November 17, 2000 - In which Pooh rips off Dave Barry,
bitches about Theme Weeks, tells why he's no longer trying to win a car, and
explains exactly what happened to Vision of the Future!
y does chris say "pooh" here? i think its a SLIP,
pooh is rilly his nickname from school!! that would be FUNNY, if like someone
met him and called him pooh! i bet he'd get TOTALLY RED all over! ^o^
Did I mention that he drinks and smokes?
Frankly, having seen him, I'd say that he has some kind of drinking problem.
He matches all the warning signs we learned about at school.
He tries to be funny about it, but, folks, drinking and smoking
are going to kill you. It just doesn't make any sense to me.
Track Four: December
5, 2000 - Learn how the Tiny Temps page rocketed me to stardom, how
someone stole things from my site for a change, and why jokes should make sense!
ha ha i looked 2 see if the lizards were rilly different
and THEY ARE! u have 2 look a rilly long time but then OMGZ u can see it.
Did you find the hidden words, Paula?
no there all mispelled! go look, all of them
its like ONE LETTER is off.
Yes, I knew that.
y did u ask then? oh i know, you think THAT PAULA,
shes SUCH A DITZ. at least im in a REAL SCHOOL not BARTENDING SCHOOL.
Even got Diversions for you this week. Orisinal makes the most
charming flash games on the net, and here's a good Collapse-esque game called Bauns.
Also, a new Mini-Golf Flash game! You can even play two-player
games or play a friend over the net (although you need to register for
that). Finally, the Ass-o-tron, that lets you put ass on the
website of your choice. Don't ask me. I don't writes 'em, I just
links 'em. Links on the left sidebar. Er, no! The is the Collector's
Edition, so links are on the RIGHT sidebar! It's special!
I moved the Diversions to the right sidebar just before I
posted this. You can tell, because I had already made the section
graphics (Essays, Guide, etc), and they go in a right-justified,
left-justified, right-justified pattern at first, but then they screw up,
due to me changing the order at the last second.
And with THAT incredibly
fascinating tidbit of inside information, I hereby end this commentary and
this week d'theme. Thanks for reading! Bye!
no thank YOU 4 writing all this, i read everything,
and then i went back and re-read EVEN MORE stuff u didn't even comment on. ^_^
may be now i know you live in oakland u will see me there! lol
Week on Not My Desk!